Well, I was invited to the international planetary conference that determined what a planet was and I'm proud to say that we've finally reached a conclusion on Pluto.  Pluto is a planet.  We based this conclusion on Pluto's history of being an upstanding member of the solar system and its pleasant disposition.  Look at how it's all pink and everything.  Now that's the kind of satellite I can really embrace.  It's huggability was really the deciding factor in this case. 

I heard through the astronomy grapevine that there was a meteor shower over parts of North America this weekend.  Meteor showers are great for kids because it strikes fear in their tiny, underdeveloped hearts.  In my opinion, there is nothing more adorable in the entire universe than a dozen kids running around a field screaming, crying and trampling each other for fear of their lives.  You would think that they would be too scared to sleep, but all that spastic panicking really tuckers the little guys out. 

This is the Sphinx in Egypt.  Lots of people have suggested that this was built by aliens or something, but it wasn't.  It was probably built by Egyptians or some other Africans.  Why would aliens waste their time building this crappy statue in the desert?  Really.  They can go zipping around the universe in their spaceships and go do whatever they want and then decide to make a statue with a human face in Africa?  If that's true, aliens are lame.  If I were an alien and I came to earth to build stuff, I would probably make a huge waterslide or something.  That would be way more fun than a creepy statue. 

This is Scooter standing next to my new quantum computer.  I had a few problems trying to develop it, so I hired Scoot as my IT department.  I even made him a fancy lanyard so he would know he was a dorky IT guy.  He's pretty proud of this computer, hence the 'ta da' pose.  That's my brand new 15" NEC monitor in the back.  You can't imagine how good everything looks on a 15" screen.  It's like you're really there looking at stuff in a tiny box.  Unreal.

Today nerd channel told me that scientist are stumped because they found a pair of things out in space that aren't planets and aren't stars. They're something in between or something and there's a pair of em hanging out. Right now they're calling them 'Planemos' or something (working title name hopefully. planemos?) Anyway they're acting weird so astrononerds are all geek bonered on them twins. Two big round matching twin globes. I wonder why they're so excited...

Anyway to get more info on the discovery-- a top scientist telephoned the King of Saturn to get his thoughts on planemos.

Here's how the conversation went:

(ring ring)

(ring ring)

(ring ring)

(ring ring)

(ring ring)

(ring ring)

(ring ring)

(ring ring)

(click)

Alien music blares loud in the background.

King of Saturn: OK! I got it!... Yes! I said I got it!.... I GOT IT! IT'S GOT!

Earth Scientist: Hello?

King of Saturn: What?

Earth Scientist: Sir?

King of Saturn: ...No honey, I don't know who it is yet because I haven't said hello yet! How could I know who it is if I haven't had a chance to say f**kin hello!...

Earth Scientist: Hello? Honorable King of...

King of Saturn: ... I told you! We're not getting called ID!

Earth Scientist: Excuse me... Sir King.... sir?

King of Saturn: Because I don't f**king like caller ID! I like surprises! Caller ID spoils the surprise!

Earth Scientist: Sir... ?

King of Saturn: BECAUSE I'M THE THE MOTHER f**k KING! THAT'S WHY!

Earth Scientist. Honora...

King of Saturn: BECAUSE KINGS LIKE SURPRISES!

Earth Scientist: Honorab...

King of Saturn: No! I still don't know who's on the phone because I've been talking to you since I picked it up!

Earth Scientist: Maybe we shoul...

King of Saturn: ...I'M NOT YELLING AT YOU! IF I WANTED TO YELL THIS IS YELLING! YELLING NOW!!!! SEE!!!! YOU GOT ME YELLING!!!!

Earth Scientist: Please sir. I'd like to talk to you about the recently discovered...

King of Saturn: OK! Ok! Fine! I'll find out who the f**k it is!!... Who is this?!

Earth Scientist: Me?

King of Saturn: Whoever the f**k you are! Yes! Hell the f**k oh! You got thirty seconds...

Earth Scientist: Umm.. Yes. (achem) Greetings your grand royal highness...

King of Saturn: Time's ticking, chubs. The What? The Why? And The How Much? Let's go. Now it's twenty seconds...

Earth Scientist: Well sir we're calling for scientific reasons. We wanted to get your opinion on...

King of Saturn: Oh s**t hold on.... YES! It's an science f**k!... From Earth!! From Earth, right?

Earth Scientist: Yes sir.

King of Saturn: From Earth!!

Earth Scientist: Correct...

King of Saturn: No I haven't gotten his name!...uch...  What's your name, douche?

Earth Scientist: Ummm...Sheldon, sir.

King of Saturn: ...His name is Sheldon!

Earth Scientist: Sir if we could...

King of Saturn: SHELDON!.... SHEL....DON! DAMN IT! WHAT THE f**k DIFFERENCE IS HIS f**kIN NAME!

Earth Scientist: Honorable sir... If I could....

King of Saturn: Ooh, hey robot! Is that shrimp you got there?...

Earth Scientist: I...

King of Saturn: Well, where you goin with that? Bring it here..

(loud gobbily chewing noises are heard)

Earth Scientist: Sir we can call back... if you...

(more loud gobbily noises are heard)

King of Saturn: Hey Shel?

(more chewing

Earth Scientist: Yes sir...

King of Saturn: Check this out...Ready?

Earth Scientist: Yes sir...

(more chewing)

King of Saturn:  a one...a two... and...a thruh

(click)

~tOdd

Yeah, I know.  I forgot to do an APoD yesterday.  I figured I would make up for it today with this picture.  Here we have enough space crap to last you until Christmas.  The next time I forget to do the APoD, just come back to this picture and look really closely at any one of these specks of light and then give it a name.  That's pretty much all we do as astronomers.  Look at stuff and give it a name.  Here, I'll show you how it's done.  See that bright red dot in the top left corner?  Stare at that for a few months...hell, measure it if you want to.  Come up with some arbitrary scale for some attribute you think might be important.  Once you think you looked at it longer than anyone has ever looked at it, have one of your assistants write up a few pages worth of summary based on your notes and then submit it to a science journal.  Now you are an expert on that red dot.  Congratulations. 

Alright, kinda running late today.  Anyways, astronomers just discovered another spot on Jupiter.  They think it is a storm, just like the other spot.  After careful analysis, they've determined that it is smaller than the bigger one.  Since it is not such a menacing red color, it's probably just a benign breeze maybe.  Not really sure about that.  Giant storms on other planets are fascinating because it gives scientists hope that something is actually happening out in space.  Oh god.  Please make it stop.  This crap is killing me.  I fucking hate astronomy.

Well, we've had another small setback in the construction of my new observatory. Apparently, a misplaced decimal point and a few dipshit contractors are to blame for this one. I tried laying down on the ground and sticking my head into the 'hangar doors', but it was difficult to manipulate the scaled down instruments to any degree. So, rather than work on my manual dexterity, I've decided to train some pygmies to run this outpost. We're still trying to breach the language barrier, as they have yet to learn how to verbally dehumanize their assistants. They're aim is pretty good when throwing things, but physical injuries heal so fast that you need to occupy too much time with that. Verbal abuse is much more expedient under our strict time constraints.

This is my new set of dimbledorfs I had specially designed in Switzerland by my good buddy Hans.  If you recall, I am working on a new telescope and I couldn't find any pre-fab dimbledorfs that were compatible with it.  Since these are such precision parts, they had to be individually crafted by hand from a single block of titanium.  It took Hans nearly two and a half years to design them and then another seven years to make them.  It's too bad really, because nobody even uses dimbledorfs anymore.  The whole industry has switched over to timberdoodles a few years ago.  I have no idea what to even do with these things now.  They might be good for throwing at my assistants.  Maybe I'll send them back to Hans so he can sharpen them.

Have I don't this picture already?  They all look the same anyways, so whatever.  So this is a nebula somewhere deep in space.  Your guess is as good as mine why it is there.  Nobody knows why this particular cloud of gas and dust is so colorful either because it is a thousand miles away.  Someone scientist is probably going to spend their whole life studying this and never figure out anything helpful to anybody.  That's what makes astronomy so much fun.  You can pretty much do whatever the hell you feel like (as long as you look up) and nobody ever expects anything from you.  Sure, they all love the cool pictures and crap, but that's about all their getting.  Billions of dollars so you can have a pretty background on your desktop.

Today's picture is from the big move this past weekend.  I found a new place in the Astronomy Observatory classified section.  It's a spacious two-bedroom with a Wal-Mart right down the road.  Anyways, this is one of my mirror cells in transit.  I was going to hire some cheap foriegners to facilitate the move, but when I showed up with this thing, they all refused to get in the back of my pick-up.  I guess there are some jobs they won't do.

Today's picture is from a training seminar conducted by the Dutch just this afternoon.  This is quite possibly the first time that the typically secretive Nederlandse Luchtvaartkunde en Ruimtebeleid have ever gone public.  Of course, I've been a key component in their relatively quick ascension into the highest ranks of the global astronomical community.  They are seen here practicing for what will undoubtedly be mankinds first contact with an advanced extraterrestrial civilization.  Since the usual terrestrial means of communication will be null and void when they first make contact, a universally accepted symbol for success had to be devised.  We call it the High Five.  As you can see, the two astronauts in the foreground have almost gotten the technique down.  We just need to work on the timing a bit more.  Anyways, we're pretty certain that once the aliens see us High Fiving, they will assume they have been conqured and will submit themselves to our every passing fancy.  If you look closely, you'll see that we've used a tiny American flag for this public training session.  This will surely enrage the Americans!  Look at how small it is!  It is so tiny!

I know what you're thinking.  "Here he goes again all hating on NASA."  Well, I'm turning over a new leaf today.  It's appropriate.  Today is a new day for me.  Everything happens for a reason.  Anyways, this is a UFO wreck.  This guy was obviously checkin' out some earth girls because word on the interplanetary grapevine is that they are easy.  Go fuck yourself NASA!  Just kidding. 

I know I've been down on NASA a lot lately, but this picture is yet another reason why the Druids had their astronomical shit together more than the American space administration.  This picture is a prime example of what happens when you give a bunch of neo-neanderthals a telescope and a camera.  Apparently there isn't enough light in the fuckin' sun to get those guys to take a decent picture.  Now, I make no claim to be a photographer as most of my Ph.D's are in physics, astronomy, math and philosophy, but I could take a better picture of the sun with a homemade pinhole camera.  I suppose it just takes time to figure out 'low-light' photography. 

As you can tell, I'm in Mexico for an astronomy conference this weekend.  Mexican astronomy is quickly surpassing American astronomy in global respect for many reasons.  Most importantly, they don't have NASA fucking things up every other week.  You lose a lot of global respect when your ride blows up.  Secondly, innovations such as the Mobile Observational Observatory Observer (pictured above) have really pushed the envelope of modern astronomy.  Not only was it concieved, designed and built on a budget that was probably half of NASA's, it hasn't blown up yet.  I think that putting two telescopes on top of each other is another great idea too because it really looks like you mean business. 

Today's APoD is from my own personal vault again.  This is a little side project I've been working on out in the toolshed.  I call it a Polynormal Multisingular Well-looker.  This is just the scaled-down beta version, but it does work moderately well so far.  Since almost nobody is well versed enough in astronomy to fully grasp the theoretical technicalities involved with it, it is kind of impossible to describe it in depth.  In laymans terms, it's basically a bunch of telescopes all tied together.  I haven't really been able to figure out how to look through them all at once, but that will come with time.  At the moment, it's also pretty much impossible to point it anywhere except the back of the shed.  Probably going to need more tracks.  Anyways, I think once the full scale model is finished being built, these other problems should be ironed out.  Eat your f**kin' heart out, NASA!

This picture demonstrates very well the hurdles ancient astronomers had to face.  First of all, early astronomers didn't realize that clouds were not astronomical features.  This poor fellow has probably got his telescope trained on a cumulus nimbus and he doesn't even know it.  It is also apparent that this is an early example of a hippy astronomer, as evident by the bong carelessly strewn beneath his rudimentary optical enhancement device.  Another obstacle he must suffer through is that stupid dress.  Astronomers in prehistoric times had to wear women's clothes because the kings hated the astronomers.  Something about Jesus probably.  Jesus always fucked up astronomy.